illusion

I can't even write a paragraph without erasing every word every other sentence. I'm clouded by helplessness when that's not the case at all. There used to be a time when days went on for days and years felt like an eternity but now every minute that goes by is another lifetime gone and I'm left in the dust wondering what I did wrong.

I feel like I've lived a hundred different lives and now I'm standing at the end of one wondering when the next will begin. This is my major malfunction. I wait. I wonder. I anticipate. This is not production.

Step one: Get your head out of your ass.
I am the only one stopping me from doing what I want to do. Quit blaming external issues and a fraudulent reality. If you want it. Get up and Get it.

Step two: Research
The reason you feel lost is because you're trying to come up with your own answers. NewsFlash You don't know everything. Learn from elsewhere.

Step three: Ignore Labels
Once you commit to one form or type of art/photography/lifestyle its like the rest of existence disappears. WRONG Use every part of life, every part of creation to inspire you and to figure out where it is your passion lies.

Step four: Cut your anchors.
If its not helping, get rid of it.

Inspiration

I had a few ideas for this new tattoo I want to get. Though I don't feel right getting one if it doesn't have any meaning. That's silly to put a picture you saw on the wall on your body permanently. Forget that.

I want a Circus. Even better than a circus, I have specific items from the carnival/circus realm I'd like included.
-The Strong Man (complete with oversized mouth-stache)
-The Pretty Ladies (3 dancers? Long Eyelashes and blush on their cheeks)
- The High Wire (Silhouette)
-Tigers + Whip Guy with Top Hat
-Elephant Line
- The Big Top
- A Ferris Wheel
- Balloons
-Big Poofy Swirly Clouds

I can't decide how/where I'd like it done. Part of me wants to start a sleeve but I doubt I have arms that would accent the work well. I want it to be super bright colors. And haven't decided if it should be super Cartooned or in a different style.

A Quote or poem or line from a poem shall be included. I thought about just getting the Ferris wheel and the big top as an outline and the line being comprised of the words of the quote.

If it turns out to be a Salvador Dali Quote I want the whole thing drawn like a Dali painting.

Here's some quotes I've gathered lately:

"One day it will have to be officially admitted that what we have christened as reality is an even greater illusion than the world of dreams." Dali
"You have to systematically create confusion, it sets creativity free. Everything that is contradictory creates life." Dali
"Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it" Dali

"Everything you can imagine is real" Picasso


"I pay no attention to technique. The ideas dictate everything. You have to be true to that or you're dead." David Lynch
"The whole world is wild at heart and weird on top." David Lynch

"The very meaninglessness of life forces men to create his own meaning. If it can be written or thought, it can be filmed." Stanley Kubrick

"I believe in the imagination. What I can't see is infinitely more important than what I can see." Duane Michals

"Return, forgetful Muse, and straight redeem
In gentle numbers time so idly spent;
Sing to the ear that doth thy lays esteem" W. Shakespeare

Point is, The circus is life in general. There are many pieces to the act that need to work together cooperatively. The strong man represents will power, the high wire is fearlessness, the tigers+top hat = courage and control, the elephants are wisdom, the ferris wheel is to remind me that there are ups and downs and no matter where you are the other is around to corner... so don't take anything for granted. The balloons are hopes, dreams, ambitions. The pretty ladies are the past present and future. Perhaps two will be standing together and a reflection will be in the funhouse mirror, distorted.

This is a major piece and I want it all done soon. I can't think of why I would't get it. I just need someone to draw a couple for me so I have elements to pick from.

Anyone interested?

discouraged

I'm at a total loss. Everywhere I look, photographers have YEARS and at times even decades of experience in the film industry and yet all I want to do is start my experience.

How do I convince somebody to let me start? How do you even get a job anymore without 8+ years in the industry? I have a passion for what I do, I know what I'm doing, I would love to learn more but when am I ever going to get the chance? Do I have to scrape by for years before I'm accepted as an actual photographer? How the hell do you get the experience if you can't get anywhere?

I've been going through my movies and skipping right to the credits, past the set designers and stunt men to the Production Stills. Half the time when I search the name listed, they don't come up and other times they've been working for 15-40 years in the business. How do you do that?! Did they have crappy retail jobs first or during? Did they get fondled by The Man before they landed their first real gig?

I need to get out! I need to get somewhere that isn't a 9-5. Shit, I need equipment but can't get it working at an office supply store or two days in a computer room. I need one of those jobs like an airline stewardess so I can get to places that need me.

That's it. I'll work for the airlines.

Inconsistency

Why out of all the things technology could be would it be inconsistent? I thought that was what the technological revolution was all about, making things easier to be spread about the world. Why is it that whenever I try to edit a photo on this god forsaken computer it decides to look mucky in photoshop, nice in the print preview image yet a different color when it prints?!

WHY WORLD! WHY?!

I've been sitting here for the past couple weeks on my designated 9-5 Tuesday and Thursday trying to decipher the super secret codes this computer has in its color projection. It feels like I learned a whole new language. If something looks dark on screen, its going to come out purple. If its way too bright on screen, its going to look perfect. If you want your image to be 8x10, you must change the size to 7.75 and 9.75 every other time you print. If you want something to be sepia... make it black and white. This has not only caused me intense stress (If I keep printing an entire roll of paper on two images, they're going to give me the boot.) but it takes up sooo much time and paper.

Currently, I'm just waiting for the computer to catch up to the scans, disks and files I just pulled up to edit. It feels impossible and though I'm not one to make excuses for my mistakes, I feel as if the computer is laughing at me. Jerk.

H.D. Thoreau

Stream of Consciousness. Thoreau was famous for this type of writing. The ongoing thought that leads to other thoughts, ending up with a paragraph of a sentence but somehow arriving at a point.

With my holga, one of my favorite things to do is get a new roll out, take out the film mask and go about my day, capturing moments, be them insignificant or not. The only thing I forsee causing me any issues is how to get the entire roll of film scanned without cutting it.

A dilemma to ponder whilst at work today.

Idle

I've discovered that I rarely come up with great ideas when I'm in a good mood. It usually takes something annoying to spark an idea. Right now, its the printer I'm currently trying to work with.

Color. In early paintings its expressive and symbolic. Purple means royalty, white = purity... good ol' underlying symbolism. Are we trained to react to certain colors? I would have to say yes. There's been tons of studies on the subject but I still like to ponder it.

My favorite part of, well... everything, is the fact that no two people will look at something and see the exact same thing. Everything is subjective. As a little kid, I took everything adults had to say as golden (meaning solid and pure). As I got older I realized everything you know is because somebody else said it, wrote it, drew it, photographed it etc. Nothing is pure. This world is millions of years old and its only getting older.

What's what and why?

Thoughts of the day.